


Burnout

by diversionary_tactician



Series: Actualization [4]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse, Alcohol Misuse, Angst, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Gay Poe Dameron, Hurt/Comfort, Insomnia, M/M, Major Illness, Miscommunication, Nightmares, Poe Dameron Needs A Hug, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Poe Dameron, caretaker, fatigue
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-13
Updated: 2016-08-14
Packaged: 2018-07-14 21:39:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7191563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/diversionary_tactician/pseuds/diversionary_tactician
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This piece follows the events of <i>Actualization</i> but focuses on Poe's perspective.  Finn experienced spectacular growth throughout the course of the story.  Poe seemed always to be there, stalwart, doing the best he knew how.  This explores Poe's journey back to life after the events of The Force Awakens, how he balances his role in Finn's life and the demands of a job, while coping with the trauma of his torture.  Chances are it won't make much sense if you haven't read Actualization first.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I write for my own entertainment and education, and derive no financial benefit. I imagine that Disney owns the copyrights and trademarks for Star Wars. I do not hold any copyrights or trademarks associated with Star Wars or the characters, setting, or story lines depicted therein. However, I imagine those that do would appreciate your patronage.
> 
> I can't promise a solid update schedule yet, but I wanted to at least get a first chapter up to provide a preview of what is to come. I promise more information as I have it. I will say that a second chapter is already complete and more is on the way. Please let me know what you think. Comments are greatly appreciated.

It was a miracle, having Finn alive and awake, moving and talking and indisputably here. However Poe knew that miracles were rarely as straightforward as they seemed. When his parents had returned to him on Yavin 4 and built a house for him to grow up in, Poe had decided it was a miracle then too. His mother had died only two years later. Poe maintained his optimism, sometimes it seemed, through sheer stubbornness. Yet, he also knew to be wary of anything that was too good to be true. Finn returning from the dead, not once, but twice, certainly seemed to qualify.

Perhaps that was why it didn’t throw him too completely when Finn started having difficulty. Granted, it was no fun sitting with Finn rubbing his shoulders as he threw up everything the medical staff tried to feed him. The rankness seemed to permeate his clothing and his skin. There were times he wanted to escape it all, just get in a cockpit and fly and fly until D’Qar was a spec in the sky behind him. But then Finn would collapse tired and sweaty in his arms and Poe would hold him, comforting that spent, exhausted body. “I’m sorry it’s so awful, thanks for sticking with me, man,” Finn breathed in a hoarse whisper, tired beyond words and sprawled boneless across his chest. 

“Nowhere I’d rather be, pal,” Poe told him softly, and found that he really did mean it.

Finn seemed to wither before his eyes, muscle dissipating and bones becoming more prominent and pronounced. Poe could feel the difference when he held Finn, even his hands seemed skeletal and were perpetually cold. Poe was starting to get scared, but he knew that he couldn’t let it show. Finn was counting on him to be a pillar of strength, a rock in turbulent waters. He had to be unwavering, and when he couldn’t he had to pretend.

Pretending wasn’t always easy, especially because he had his own troubles brewing treacherously beneath the surface. During the day he sat at Finn’s bedside, held his hands, talked and joked with him like nothing was wrong, sat with him until he fell asleep. But, once he’d gone off to his own room he avoided getting into bed for as long as he could justify it to himself, despite his exhaustion. 

The bad dreams had started in medical, during Finn’s coma. He’d passed out in the chair at Finn’s bedside more times than he could count, but on a particularly memorable occasion, one of the doctors had made the mistake of trying to rouse him when he was obviously in the throws of a nightmare, and Poe had the doctor on the ground and pinned before he even knew where he was. In the privacy of his own room, in his own bed, the nightmares were less dangerous to others. But they ravaged him. He woke up breathless and sweat-drenched, feeling as though there was an army of insects crawling under his skin. Poe started going to the bar at night, hair still tousled from sleep clothes quickly donned in the dark, until the barkeep, taking pity on him, drew a dusty bottle out of the back and gave it over to Poe, to keep in his own quarters. 

The liquor was harsh and unpleasant. But it burned the nightmare images out of him and left his brain waterlogged enough so that everything floated soft and intangible. It wasn’t every night, but it was often enough. He pasted his happy, charming, optimistic façade on with extra resolve. The people he cared about were counting on him, and he would not let them down, under any circumstances.

Finn was getting sucked into a deep depression and Poe made it his personal mission to try and pull Finn out. He wasn’t used to failing at anything, which made his performance in this respect particularly hard to swallow. If a younger Poe, the Poe from a month ago, had forseen this turn of events he might have expected that Finn’s shortness and animosity toward him would be the hardest thing to handle, but it wasn’t. Finn was giving up on himself, and Poe couldn’t help. Finn’s anger was so much easier to manage than his indifference. 

P.T. was the worst. Finn was obviously in agony; there was no denying that. But some days Poe was certain that his anger was the only thing motivating him to go at all. The incessant optimism and persistent encouragement seemed to fire up that anger in Finn, which was almost encouraging to witness. Poe donned it like a cloak. Better Finn come to hate him than that he lay down in bed and decide not to get back up. He lashed out at Poe like he was a verbal punching bag. Poe bore the frustration and barbs with tenacious good humor, and infinite patience. _He doesn’t really mean it_ , he frequently reminded himself. _They’re just words and they’re not important_ , he decided. _It doesn’t hurt_ , he told himself. All lies.

The physical therapist was a godsend, taking some of the brunt of it off of him, acting as a third party who was capable of stepping in when Poe was reaching his limit, or telling Finn to lay off when he was being too much of an ass. Then there were the nights, as Poe sat with Finn waiting for him to fall asleep, biding his time before he had to return to his own personal hell of cold penetration into his brain, invasion into the very core of him, his betrayal of the cause. It was in those quiet moments that Finn broke down, whispering apologies for the vitriol he didn’t understand and couldn’t control, and pleas not to give up on him. Poe rubbed his back, careful to avoid the healing scars. “Never Finn, we’re going to stick together, you and me,” he promised. “We’re both doing the best we can,” he acknowledged, struggling to keep the exhaustion from his voice.

Slowly he could see it, Finn starting to get better, physically anyway. Stubbornly, Finn refused to notice. He wanted to take Finn by the shoulders, wanted to shake him and shout “Why can’t you see what I’m seeing?! You’re making progress. Look! Look at the progress you’ve made.” But he didn’t. Kiri assured him that eventually Finn would see it for himself, probably when the pain started to dissipate some. In the meantime, Poe tried to have faith. It was hard. He was pretty sure Finn was seeing through the cracks in his façade. Though he had no way of knowing just how much damage those momentary glimpses were causing.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn tries to get work before he's ready; Poe tries to maintain his equilibrium alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoy this latest chapter. 
> 
> I have a special request faithful readers! _Actualization_ had no Beta Reader. It was all complete in advance so I'd read each chapter over 20 or 30 times myself before posting to work all the errors out. That's not going to happen here as _Burnout_ and _Trainee_ are being written real time. 
> 
> Would anyone like to volunteer to beta read? If you are interested, leave me some way to contact you in the comments. I will probably select only one or two volunteers (assuming there are any volunteers at all). I can promise you my eternal gratitude and a chance to read the work before it's posted. I would need a 24-48 hour turnaround time on edits.
> 
> That out of the way, I hope you enjoy _Burnout_. Chapter three is currently in progress, and (fingers-crossed) I'm aiming to post a new chapter each weekend. More news to come.

Anger was giving way to something else, something Poe couldn’t place, and Poe found himself missing the anger. “I was on sanitation back on Starkiller Base. You could hook me up with the team here. I can help,” Finn suggested. There was something tense and harried about his voice. It was concerning, especially since any reasonable person could see that Finn wouldn’t last five minutes on a sanitation detail anywhere. 

“Buddy, I know you’re doing better and I’m real happy about that, but let’s wait until you’re a little steadier on your feet,” Poe suggested. Finn looked like he wanted to cry or be sick. 

“I could do paperwork, fill out reports?” Finn suggested. Poe frowned at him. He had no idea what this was about but it was clearly important to his friend. 

“I can bring you some books, a deck of cards or something. I know the boredom’s got to be getting to you,” Poe suggested. Finn closed his eyes and breathed out slow and measured. Poe sat there for a long moment looking at his dreading expression utterly bewildered. He moved to the edge of the bed and perched himself there, rubbing Finn’s shoulder. 

“You want to tell me what’s wrong?” Poe asked. 

“I’m just tired,” Finn replied, sounding defeated.

Poe assumed the topic was closed. However, a few days later they were back at it again. This time Poe found himself more annoyed than bewildered. They were working so hard for Finn’s recovery. Rest was a big part of that according to everyone, Kiri and Doctor Nemes. Finn seemed hell bent on throwing it all away. Poe had brought him books, a stack of comics, and a deck of cards he hadn’t even cracked the seal on. Poe didn’t know what gave but he was tired, and strung out, maybe just maybe, his patience was a little tried.

“I want to work,” Finn’s voice had taken on a defiant edge. Poe had been skirting the question most of the afternoon. Finn hadn’t managed to keep down lunch and both were privately dreading dinner. He’d also taken a nasty fall on the bars and even though Poe had grabbed him before serious damage was done, he was already developing a score of nasty bruises that left him uncomfortable no matter how he tried to rest. Poe wanted to sleep for a year, or cry, or beat up a punching bag until his knuckles bled. None of those were viable options, not right now at least. 

“You’re not in any physical condition to be up and around. You know that,” Poe replied. 

“I need to be useful,” Finn insisted. “I’ll do anything, I don’t care if it’s menial. I’m a good worker,” he begged.

Maybe he’d been going about this all wrong. Maybe Finn just wanted to be part of life on the base. Maybe he needed friends, or a goal to meet, or some achievable milestone to reach for. There was nothing wrong with that. Maybe it would give him something to motivate him outside of impotent rage.

“How about this, once you’re able to do three laps around medical, we can start figuring all that out. Sound fair?” he asked. 

Finn looked at him, a tired, slightly-betrayed expression on his face. Poe had no idea what he’d said to inspire that response. He sat up and planted his feet purposefully on the floor. His face was set in a grim line. Poe hadn’t expected him to try it now.

“Woah, easy! That’s not what I meant and Kiri will have a fit if he finds out you did this,” Poe insisted, voice shot through with alarm. 

“I have to,” Finn insisted stubbornly. He got to his feet gripping the wall hard and Poe came around the bed to stand at his side so he’d be ready to grab him when Finn lost balance. It wasn’t a matter of if. Finn made it nearly thirty feet from his bed before he was on his knees his back in spasms. Poe watched him writhing in pain, helpless. He had to wait until a break between muscle spasms to scoop Finn up in his arms and carry him back to bed. The ease with which Poe could lift him now, was a terrible reminder of how much weight Finn had lost. 

The doctor loaded Finn up on muscle relaxers after that and Finn lost days of PT. He spent a lot of time sleeping or floating in half-consciousness. “You’re a stubborn bastard sometimes, you know that?” Poe told him irritably. Finn was too drugged to notice or care. Kiri chewed him out for being an idiot once he was lucid again, but Finn wasn’t angry anymore, just in the throws of despair. Poe found it difficult not to follow him into the depths.

It wasn’t long before Finn started asking again, begging really, for work. “I’m sorry Finn, I don’t even give out jobs. And more than that, you need recovery time. I know you’re feeling impatient but I don’t want to see you hurt, and that’s all that’s going to happen if you try to do too much too soon,” Poe pleaded with him gently. Finn got a mad look on his face, cornered, terrified. Poe didn’t know what to make of it. 

“Please don’t let me be decommissioned. I know it’s bad right now, but I’ll work, anything, whatever I can do.”

Finn sounded broken. Poe wanted to break down right along with him but that wasn’t an option. Finn was shaking and looked on the verge of tears. Poe was wrapping the jacket around him, pulling him into an embrace. He wanted nothing more than to fix it. Obviously whatever this concern was, it ran deep. Poe didn’t understand it, and it was distressing Finn immensely. The least he could do was take it seriously.

“I’m not going to let anything bad happen to you. You’re important to the Resistance and you’re important to me. How about if the General comes down and explains how people get placed, so you’ll know what to expect when you’re ready for job assignment? Would that make you feel better?” Poe asked. He felt, rather than saw, Finn nod against his chest.

The General was already doing him a serious favor not pushing him to take on missions right now. Poe was asking for more than he was owed, but he had to do it for Finn. He timed it when Finn was asleep, resting soundly and unlikely to wake soon. Kiri had tuckered him out thoroughly and for once Poe was grateful for it. He went to the General and requested an audience. His performance in the recent battles had earned him that privilege. 

“Commander, how is your friend?” she asked, with what seemed like a genuine interest.

Poe hung his head. “He’s in a bad way, Ma’am. That’s actually what I wanted to talk to you about,” she nodded for him to continue. “He’s making amazing progress physically, but he keeps pushing it too hard, insisting on being assigned work he’s in no condition to take on,” Poe admitted. She nodded. 

“I don’t know how to help him. He’s asking not to be decommissioned and even though I don’t know what he’s talking about, I feel like maybe if some reassurance comes from Rank he’ll be more inclined to listen?” Poe explained. “I just, I don’t know what to do. The doctors don’t know what to do, not about this. I thought. . .I don’t know what I thought. You just, you know more than anyone I know and you’re, you always seem to know what people need,” Poe stammered helplessly. “I’m sorry Ma’am I’m not making much sense,” he confessed, fighting the urge to bury his face in his hands. He was a soldier God damn it, and he was going to act like one. 

“You’ve done the right thing, Commander. I would be happy to speak with Finn, and see if we can’t come to some better understanding,” the General promised. Poe practically sagged under the weight of his gratitude. “Thank you General,” Poe replied quickly, visibly relieved.

“Your friend, he gives me hope, Commander. Doing right by him, it’s a decision I doubt we will ever regret.” 

She arrived two days later, still clad in her pallid robes. Poe was grateful. Finn was going quiet and becoming increasingly reserved. He didn’t know how to help or what to do. When the general dismissed him he nearly ached with relief. He ascended the ramp that led out of medical and closed the hatch behind him. 

He considered how far he dared to go from medical. The General’s time was limited, and Finn disliked being left without company. He found the nearest washroom and ducked inside. He checked to see that the room was empty and that he was alone. He was. It was a relief, getting to let go of the tight hold he kept on himself, even for a moment.

He felt heavy with exhaustion, and leaned a portion of his weight on the washbasin for support. He ran the water hot and allowed his cupped palms to fill with water, before resting his face in them, feeling the warmth spread over his cheeks and the bridge of his nose, easing the tension in his brow. He allowed the water to slosh down the drain and refilled his cupped palms submerging his nose and chin, almost relieved to have the suffocating feeling he’d been experiencing on and off for days manifest itself physically. He moved his palms apart a crack and let the water drain down the sink, the sounds echoing off the walls. He leaned forward until his forehead rested against the wall in front of him, his breath creating fog on the metal. 

_You can do this._ he told himself. _He’s going to be okay. . .and even if he’s not you care for him more than anyone and you will learn to live with whatever level of okay he can manage. You can do this._

Poe wasn’t sure how long he stayed there in silent meditation. However, eventually he dragged his tired body upright and dried his face with his sleeve. He fixed his mask back into place and he returned to the hall outside of medical. It wasn’t long before the General returned. She offered him a small smile and a nod. “Thank you, ma’am,” he said, before going back inside to Finn. 

He found a man in significantly different spirits. For the first time since he’d woken up Finn seemed at ease. Poe sat on the bed with him and gently pulled Finn against his chest. Finn melted into his body. “She’s nice,” Finn confessed, “I didn’t expect her to be nice.” Poe heard the two words that Finn meant to append to his statement even if he didn’t say them out loud – _I didn’t expect her to be nice to me_. He didn’t know what to say, but that was alright, because everything important had already been said. It was quiet for a time. Poe was grateful that Finn couldn’t see the wetness at the corners of his eyes.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time for Poe to revisit his responsibilities. His nightmares are getting worse and a friend sits him down for a chat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thanks to [foolyoulovesomehow](http://www.archiveofourown.org/users/foolyoulove) for her awesome beta reading and editing.

Finn was approaching PT with renewed vigor. Poe didn’t have the first clue what the General had said to him, but it worked. It was a relief to be able to relax a little, to help Finn in subtler ways that weren’t designed to induce rage, to be able to be a quiet source of strength and to catch Finn only when he started to fall, and not a moment before.

Poe even noticed his friend relaxing with some of the books he’d brought down in the off hours. Finn showed no interest in the cards, but he seemed to like the books and comics just fine. They were innocuous, Poe made sure of that, a few swashbuckling space adventures and a mystery novel set on Endor – no war stories, no politics, no romance. Still Finn had strange questions about parts of the books that had never occurred to Poe as anything but ordinary, like how a clothing store worked or what happened in a school. Poe broke things down into smaller parts, and found himself reaching helplessly for connections from what he guessed of Finn’s past with which he could compare and contrast elements of life outside of the Stormtroopers.

Even as Finn started to eat and sleep better, Poe was hardly sleeping at all. Although he managed to put on a good face most of the time, privately, Poe was struggling. It was during this time that he was called in for a conference with General Organa. Poe knew it was coming. He felt an acute awareness of his responsibility to protect his comrades, a duty he’d been neglecting lately. Sure, things might have been quiet, but just because skirmishes were less frequent or less intense, didn’t relieve him of his charge. 

General Organa welcomed him warmly. It was a double-edged sword, feeling so much affection for his C.O.. There was nothing he would not do for her, no height greater than pleasing and impressing her. Yet, there was no hurt deeper than letting her down. At least that was what he’d thought once. Betraying her and being faced with her absolute refusal to blame him, to take him to task, to hold him accountable, that was the worst. At times like these he could almost believe he deserved the nightmares. 

After some small talk and a few gentle inquiries into Finn’s health, it was down to business. “There are two ways we can play this. You can hand over control of your unit completely, and have another squad leader assigned to command for the duration of your leave, or you can be reinstated on modified assignment. You can switch some command responsibility to other members of your Squadron, but if you agree to this, you will be responsible for your pilots, and held to account for the outcome of their missions,” she informed him sternly. 

It was generous, and Poe knew it. General Organa was giving him an option that kept him in flying form without forcing him to abandon Finn completely. He was lucky. He could trust his Squadron, and it was that trust that allowed him to agree to this suggestion with a clear conscience. “Thank you, Ma’am. I believe that is a very generous arrangement,” Poe agreed. 

“Good. See that it’s done,” she ordered him, a clear indication that he was dismissed. Poe snapped off a salute. 

It was a good outcome, the best he could hope for. Yet, it was also another weight on his shoulders and he was barely keeping his head above water now. He couldn’t be everywhere at once, so he’d have to learn to be everywhere important when he was needed, and to figure out where that was at any given time. If he was called to fight he would fight, but if Finn was set back as a result that would cut him to the core. He ached to once again be the cocksure rebel who had an unfailing sense of certainty and direction. He didn’t feel like that man anymore. 

Still, when he learned two days after his meeting that Finn would be released from medical soon, even his exhaustion and worry couldn’t dampen his excitement. Kiri, the PT specialist was giving Finn a serious lecture, but even he seemed pleased with the progress. They’d had their ups and downs, but no one could deny that Finn had been going above and beyond since the brief meeting with the General.

“It’s official, Kid. They’re issuing you your own quarters,” Kiri informed him. Poe’s mind was off in a thousand directions at once. Finally, he could introduce Finn to some of the wonderful things he’d promised when Finn was languishing in unconsciousness. Not only that, but Poe wouldn’t have to worry about abandoning Finn in Medical while he was off playing pilot. Of course, he couldn’t bring Finn along on missions, but they could stick together on the base. Besides, a break from the dreary surroundings would do them both good. For a brief instant, Poe wanted to press his lips to Finn’s in celebration, but restrained himself. There was no guarantee he was welcome there. 

Kiri was still talking, though Poe had missed a bit. “Now, I expect you to continue showing up to sessions and putting in the work, but not to overextend yourself. We’re also issuing you an EW-7 Medical Service Droid. It will basically follow you around, help you with routine tasks, monitor your condition, and send out an alert if you are in distress. You try to shake the droid and your keister will be right back in medical. You get me?” Kiri asked.

Finn looked at him blankly, clearly not understanding the slang. “You going to try to lose the droid?” Poe asked. Finn shook his head. “Don’t worry about it then. He’s cool,” Poe reassured Kiri, barely containing his excitement. He seemed nearly ready to break Finn out of Medical that very moment. “Not so fast boys. You better check with Nemes. I heard the quarters won’t be issued until tomorrow at 1500 hours. That means one more night in medical,” Kiri announced, clearly amused with Poe’s impatience. 

“That’s a bummer having to spend one more night here. But you’re going to love having your own space, Finn,” he enthused. “You’ll see.” Finn smiled at him, indulgently, and Poe failed to see the uncertainty in the other man’s eyes. 

Once they returned and confirmed Kiri’s information with the Doctor, Finn settled in for his final night in Medical, perhaps not sharing Poe’s overjoyed excitement at the prospect of exploring a larger section of the base, but at least not disturbed enough by it that it disrupted his sleep. 

Poe thought about heading down to the gym for a run. It wasn’t late yet. On the way there he ran into Snap, who looked him over top to bottom and frowned. Wexley had an unnatural way of seeing inside people. If Poe hadn’t seen Wexley’s Midi-chlorian count himself, he’d have sworn the guy had some freaky Jedi sixth sense about people. “Have a drink with me,” Snap requested. Poe very nearly turned him down, but he wasn’t needed anywhere at the moment and Poe had been drinking on his own far too often lately. 

Snap was steering them toward the Rec Room, even before Poe had actually agreed to join him. Poe found them a table and settled heavily at it while Snap procured their drinks. A large glass of frothy golden ale was placed in front of him. It wasn’t what he’d been drinking lately. The bottle stowed away in his quarters was a hard blue liquor that knocked him on his ass, nothing like this crisp delightful brew that was meant to be drunk for the experience more than the effect. “Haven’t seen you in a while,” Snap observed.

“It’s been a long couple of weeks. I miss anything important?” he asked, just making conversation.

“Nah, man. It’s been quiet without you. How’s Finn?” Snap asked.

“They’re finally giving him quarters outside of medical tomorrow,” he acknowledged.

“That’s great. So maybe you’ll be back flying with us soon,” Snap said with a smile, patting him on the back. “Some people just ain’t meant to keep their feet on the ground.” The way Snap was looking at him left Poe certain that Snap considered him one of those people. It was true, being planetside too long didn’t agree with him. This might well be the longest he’d ever been grounded. 

“I don’t know,” Poe confessed, feeling a little edgy. He had no idea why he was upset at Snap. The guy was his friend and hadn’t done a damn thing wrong. _I’m tired, that’s it_ he told himself. He wasn’t sure when the shift had occurred, but all the excitement from before seemed to be laced with dread and he didn’t know where it was coming from. Maybe it was the drink. Ale occasionally left him maudlin. “There are a lot of things no one is thinking about.”

Snap seemed to come up short at the unexpected edge in his voice. Poe was usually the most amiable guy he knew. Poe felt himself being subjected to another searching look. “Like what?”

“He doesn’t know anyone. He has no friends, he doesn’t, he doesn’t even have anything to his name, they’ll just give him an empty room. The civvies they issued him, he keeps expecting he’s going to have to give ’em back. It’s like he’s been marooned on an alien planet where he doesn’t know the culture and no one speaks his language. And I, I’m clueless half the time. . .” Poe confessed.

A long, considering look swept over him. Snap was momentarily silenced by the force and weight of Poe’s statement. “He’ll make friends and adjust. He’s one of us now. We take care of our own,” Snap reassured Poe, giving his shoulder a squeeze. Something about the way Snap said it made Poe think that maybe Snap wasn’t talking just about Finn. 

“No one came to see him, while he was in medical, I mean,” Poe observed. It was the first time he’d really thought about it, but now that he did, it bothered him. That was foolish, Poe knew, because Finn hated even Poe seeing him in such a rough condition. Poe was almost certain he would have hated strangers seeing him that way even more. Still, it sort of hurt that after all his heroics, no one thought to try. 

Snap frowned. Seeming to consider this observation. “You’re right—we should have made more of an effort to get down there.” The acknowledgment appeased Poe, and he nodded gratefully, feeling the anger flow out of him. 

“What kind of stuff does he like?” Snap asked. 

Poe shrugged. “I don’t know. I brought him some books—those seem to be keeping him busy for now.” 

“Look, I know it doesn’t make up for not coming to visit, but how about you let me worry about pulling together some things for him. Okay? I’ll see what I can do on short notice,” Snap offered.

“Thanks. I think he’d really appreciate it,” Poe replied. 

“And when he’s up to it, you bring him around, yeah? He’ll get the full pilot’s welcome. I’d say he’s earned it and then some,” Snap added. Poe nodded.

Snap steered them into easier topics: the status of the ships and current repairs, a dirty mag one of the pilots came back from a mission with and had ‘confiscated’ by his highly amused S.O., a new class of trainees who all looked about twelve – to Snap anyway. Snap carried the weight of the conversation without complaint. Poe’s responses were slow and lacked the easy, jovial tone he was most known for. Eventually, Snap seemed to be done giving the subject of Poe’s distraction a wide berth. “When’s the last time you had a good night’s sleep, Commander?”

Poe shrugged hopelessly. He didn’t recall. 

“Is it Finn?” he asked. 

“No. No, it’s not that,” Poe replied quickly. 

“You want to talk about it?”

“Don’t see what good it’ll do.” He didn’t want to talk about it, hated the idea of recounting his treachery to anyone, of letting anyone know just how insidious the torture had been. He wanted to be seen as impervious and composed. His squadron already knew he’d failed them, everyone did, even if none of them seemed to blame him. It didn’t bear reminding.

“What have you tried?”

“A bottle of Chandrilan.”

Snap let out a low whistle. “Let’s call that a last resort, yeah?” Snap recommended. “You seen the doc?” Poe shrugged. Snap seemed to take that for a ‘no.’ 

The deeper they got into the conversation the more certain Poe was that he didn’t want to be having it. This was the most honest he’d been with anyone, the most he’d let his guard down or his mask slip. Snap was his friend, someone he trusted implicitly, but admitting that he was suffering and that the liquor was a crutch left him feeling naked. For his part, Snap seemed unfazed. Still, Poe felt the urge to retreat and regroup. 

“What else you think you might be able to try?” Snap prompted him, expectantly. “Something that ain’t gunna pickle your insides,” he added.

Poe shrugged and looked at his glass. “I honestly don’t know,” he said tonelessly, talking more to the dregs of the drink than to Snap.

“Sometimes I do the old meditation exercises from flight training, when stress messes with my sleep,” Snap noted. 

“Haven’t done those in ages,” Poe acknowledged with a little bit of interest. “That really work?” he asked.

“Sometimes,” Snap replied.

Poe drained the last of his drink and got up. He felt the disquiet in his bones. He wanted to go somewhere no one would look at him for a while. “Thanks, I’ll give that a try,” he replied, eager to concede, if it would allow the subject to close. “Anyway, it’s getting late, I should head off.” he said. 

It was almost a relief when he secured the door to his quarters behind him, shutting out the world and closing himself in with his demons. That night, he closed his eyes and concentrated on regulating his breathing and the beating of his heart. He wasn’t certain how long he lay there, before letting sleep take him. Yet, he found, to his surprise, that Snap was onto something. There were no nightmares that night, no unwelcome jolts from sleep to wakefulness disoriented and guilt-ridden. A few more nights of experimenting proved the remainder of Snap’s assessment that it only worked sometimes. The nightmares didn’t leave him entirely, but they visited him with less frequency. It was almost enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed the latest installment of Burnout. If you're enjoying this, you might also like my Actualization sequel, Trainee, which is also in progress: http://archiveofourown.org/works/7689916/chapters/17518312
> 
> Please leave some love in the comments section!


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